South Carolina 1L

Kiss My Monkey Ass

2006-04-29T09:34:00.000-04:00

Well, my last exam as a 1L coming up in a few hours. This is the first thing I saw on the internet when I woke up this morning.

I'm thinking that it's gonna be a good day, whether the Torts exam has its way with me or not. And considering that I have had a grand total of four or five beers since the Whiskey and Cigar party a month ago, I'm thinking my new "tolerance" will make the Saloon quite an experience.

Here's an IM conversation that I had yesterday:

SexBomb: k this is going to sound incredibly whorish
SexBomb: HOWEVER
SC1L: hahaha
SexBomb: exams stress me out
SexBomb: as they do for everyone
SexBomb: hang on let me type
SexBomb: big orgy
SexBomb: everyone is invfited
SexBomb: but sans the ugly fat people
SexBomb: would let everyone relieve so stress
SC1L: nice! i was thinking the same thing!!
SexBomb: umm, ew
SexBomb: i was kidding

And apparently someone saw fit to publish one of my highschool math exams (click on the picture to enlarge it so you can read the answer):

Fuck This Academic Noise aka Don't Stop Till You Get Enough

2006-04-25T21:29:00.000-04:00

Three finals done, two to go until I'm 1/3 of a lawyer, and 3/3 of an idiot.
Keep on truckin, nerds. It'll payoff someday (psssh, hahahaha).

On the Ground, Speed Freak!

2006-03-16T00:48:00.000-05:00

And the hits keep coming. There's just no stop to the madness. If only I could find a surefire way to release stress (aside from my internet girlfriends and the hotties that I pick up through the local newspaper personals).

So, we're about to kick off the journal competition. Unfortunately, my motivation is running a little low.

I need to pick up the study habits before the shit hits the fan, otherwise I'll be in some seriously hot water. I'm hoping that I'll be able to dodge a bullet or two and recover in time before exams.

If not, I'll just go ahead and follow my deffered dream of becoming a fighter pilot. Still not sure whether I'll go Army or Navy, though. Oaybe I'll join some of those crazy bastards in the foreign legion.

Fortune Cookies

2006-02-28T12:10:00.000-05:00

Money Stolen From Brownies Selling Girl Scout Cookies

ORLANDO, Fla. -- The hunt is on Monday for thieves who stole cash from Brownies selling Girl Scout cookies.

The two young girls set up a booth outside the Publix near Lake Frederica when a man grabbed their money box and escaped in a waiting car.

Bryanna Sura said she'll never forget the face of the man who stole $352 of her cookie money. Her mom tried to stop the thief.

"I guess the supermom thing kind of came out and I said, 'No, you didn't,' and he said 'Yup,'" said one of the girl's mothers.

"That's awful," said one Publix shopper. "That's like taking candy from a 2-year-old."

Citrus Council Cookie Coordinator Barbara King said cookie money has been lifted from Girl Scouts before, but not often.

As soon as word of the theft got out, both Public employees and a Good Samaritan stepped up to donate the missing loot.

The girls had been selling cookies to raise money for a trip to the birthplace of Girl Scouts, Savannah, Ga.

<< http://www.wesh.com/news/7524814/detail.html?
subid=22100409&qs=1;bp=t">>

The mom said, "No you didn't," and the crook said "Yep,"!!! Who robs the shit out of little kids, and doesn't back down when called on it?? I love it. And then some idiot shopper goes, "That's like taking candy from a 2-year-old." Actually chief, it's like taking $352 in cookies from a 6 or 7 year old.

But really, it's not a big deal. They got their money back from charity, and those girls will grow up better people for the experience. The learned a great life lesson at a relatively low cost. Surprise, bitches. The world isn't full of only cookies, smiles, and trips to Savannah. In fact, it's full of assholes. Really? "Yep."

Legal Writing Skillz

2006-02-28T10:25:00.000-05:00

Oh, I almost forgot.

For your viewing pleasure, I've uploaded a copy of my appellate brief. I've got my fingers crossed, but to be honest, I'm pretty sure that I've got a good grade on this one locked up. Hellllllllo, good grades, law review, gainful employment, motorized transportation, a pimp pad, and hot bitchez (in that order).

Here it is.

I Need Some Grape Drink, Baby

2006-02-26T19:29:00.000-05:00

Damn. It's been a month since my last post. This semester's schedule didn't seem too bad at first, but it's wearing me down a lot faster than last semester's. Throw OCI/employment issues and an appellate brief to deal with into the mix.......on top of a civpro mid term (who gives mid terms in law school!?!?), and you've got yourself a party.

True, there were a few beer bowlings, a couple firm-hosted events, a barrister's ball, and a birthday or two, but they still weren't really enough to reverse the tip of the scales.

So yea, lots of things on the to do list, and the blog is kind of low on that list. At any moment of any day, I'm probably thinking about two or three things at the same time, to the point that I honestly started to worry that I had developed adult ADD. Buuut, then I picked up a copy of the National Jurist, and found out that I don't have ADD - I'm just stressed to the point that my brain doesn't work as well anymore. Sweeeeeeet.

Here's some funny shit that I've found. Maybe it'll knock the stress down a peg so I/we can make it to spring break.

Ok, here's the link to the Dane Cook video that I couldn't find for the post below. Click it. The movie is seriously funny, but so is the rest of his site. And I don't think he's funny just since he grew up less than three miles from my house. He's got an HBO special coming up in April that's gonna be filmed in the Boston Garden. I might have to put studying for finals on hold for a few days....

And, here's a link to one of my other favorite comedians: Bill Burr. I saw him at a club with Charlie Murphy, and it was one of the best nights of my life. I know we're in law school and we have little free time, but if you get the chance, take the time to watch the video clips of his HBO special. Ridiculous.

Here's a picture of Pamela Anderson and how she is the woman she is:

Here's a link to something even prettier than her.

Here's something that is hilarious and that I'm surprised hasn't made the news.

Here's another funny car-related commecial.

Annnd to keep the ball rolling, here's a hilarious insurance commercial. If you turn the volume up, you can hear the N bomb a few times, too. Amazingly failed to get edited out.

Speaking of the N bomb...

"Juice?!? N****, what the fuck is juice?!? I want some grape drink, baby!!"

Ok, that's it. Back to CivPro. Fuck.

That Bastard

2006-01-27T22:36:00.000-05:00

Ok, so remember the big assed Kool Aid man/jug in those commercials that used to bust into all these random situations? Well here's a funny assed stand up routine about it. It's by Dane Cook. Hilarious guy. Here it is:

There was a commercial on TV That used to terrify me when I was a kid. It was those Kool-aid commercials. Giant, talking, bowl of fruit punch comes crashing trough your wall unannounced, right? No warning. Just starts screamin’. “Oh yeah! Oh yeah!” Right? And he would dance and he would break your coffee table he’d punch your armour.

“Oh yeah!”

And that really terrified me. But the kids in the commercial were all excited. They were excited. And happy.

If a 400 pound jug of juice came bashing into your house screamin’ “Oh yeah!” Dancing. With tights on. I don’t know why juice is wearing tights. His juice box was hanging out. I don’t- I don’t need to see that, Kool.

And these kids would drink out of him. After he just busted through a wall and debris fell in his open, idiot head. Asbestos, lead paint fell inside his head. He would pour his fruity blood into glasses. “Oh yeah!” And they would drink his fruity, dirty blood out of his open head, And be like. “Thanks Kool.” hehehehe

No! If that was me I would be like, “No no no, I don’t wanna drink from you. I want you to fix this God damned wall…..Before my dad gets home from work. He’s not gonna believe a dancing bowl of fruit punch came in here. He's going to beat me with a toaster. This is bullshit.

Hey! Don’t Touch me, Kool! Please. I’ll kick you in the legs. You’re very top heavy. And you will smash. You fix this wall. And if you get thirsty, you sip your self, you glass son of a bitch.”

“Oh yeah!”

"Oh no! That's your problem. Your slogan should be 'Oh no, what have I done to this beautiful home?' "

And for some more funny shit on the Kool Aid Man, check this out.

More Guys v. Girls Humor

2006-01-25T19:49:00.000-05:00

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

20-something ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Curvy .........................Fat
Voluptuous ................ Unbelievably Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

(This was all taken from a porn site: www.thehun.com . . . not that I look at porn. I have plenty of time, money, and charm to pursue real relationships. Besides, I would never look at such trash. Such gorgeous, busty trash. Never.)

USC Law's Finest

2006-01-24T16:56:00.000-05:00

Scene: Couple of days ago, lunch, several 1Ls sitting at a table at Immaculate Consumption in the basement room, with the floorboards creaking above us.

Sketchy 1L: You know law school is going to be like algebra. We'll never use any of this stuff when we get out. Some old skeezeball is going to tell us how it's done, and that will be that. I bet we don't even use Westlaw. I didn't even activate my account. The Lexis one, neither.
Random 1L: Now there's a decision.

Several minutes later...

Random 1L: Man, this place is creaky. How old do you think the building is?
Sketchy 1L: Well, I don't know, but in college I lived in a house that was built around 1800. That place was creaky as hell. And drafty too. And the basement was just like this, only colder. But I rented it out to three guys, you know, made them share the one room. We hazed the shit out of them.
Me: It was a fraternity?
Sketchy 1L: No, we just hazed them. We crammed about 10 of us into the house, and I handled all the bills, so I paid about $90 a month for rent, and no utilities.
Random 1L: So you were a slumlord?
Sketchy 1L: Sort of. I told my parents that rent wass $500 a month, though, and I pocketed about $410 each month. That was back in my "cocaine phase".
Me: So you lived in a crack house basically?
Sketchy 1L: Lived in a crack house? I built a damn crack house.

5 min. later

Sketchy 1L: Man, can you imagine college without ecstasy and hookers?
Slightly Less Sketchy 1L: Yea, I'd be able to think right now, and I wouldn't be so itchy.

5 min. later after that

Random 1L: Yea, that class is pretty boring. I usually just play online poker during it.
Sketchy 1L: You play for money?
Random 1L: Not really. I'm not very good. I need to stick to games like "War".
Sketchy 1L: Shit, I lost $1,200 playin War at NY NY in Vegas last summer. I thought I could dig myself out of the hole cuz I had $600 left, but there was this fine ass hooker I was eyeing who wanted $400 dollars. I put the $600 into the game, though, and still lost it all. Should have gone with the hooker.

And a couple of more minutes later.

Sketchy 1L: Well, when this guy stopped smoking weed, he got real weird, to the point that he weirded me out, which is pretty damn amazing because I'm a pretty weird guy myself.

And finally..

Sketchy 1L: Well, I'm a good Christian and all . . . I just do a whole lot of sinning along the way.

Hey, Sal! Fuuuuuuuckin', let's go get a pie, kid!

2006-01-24T16:43:00.000-05:00

Oh man. There is a dark place in my heart where a truly special hatred lies. It is reserved for only the most detestable of the detestable. For a while, I had forgotten that I too partake in regional elitism. Yes, that's right. I'm talking about the greasy, no education having, Jersey shore loving, Revere Beach residing, no-R-saying, wannabe mafiosos: townie trash. There aren't too many around these parts (actually, none as far as I've seen), and I had almost pushed them out of my mind, but then I saw this, and all the hatred came flooding back.

Aw Crap

2006-01-24T00:22:00.000-05:00

Scene: Random club, 2am Saturday, sitting at a table next to the dancefloor.

Me: You feeling alright?
Girl: I don't mean to be a bitch, but stop asking if I'm alright. I don't feel like dancing.
Me: Fine! I didn't want to dance anyways. And you know what? You are a bitch. You act like a bitch every time I see you. I'm sick of all your bullshit.

Lesson of the Day: don't go out when you're tired and have a cold just because your boy asked you to be his wingman so he could get with a girl, otherwise you might tell someone what you really think about her in no uncertain terms.

Sorry for the Delay

2006-01-22T10:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, so my eyesight is not the best on the planet. I wear the sniper scopes on a daily basis. In fact, I wear my glasses so much that I have to pretend that they're cool by calling them "sniper scopes". Glasses aren't completely dorky though. But as Levar Burton always said, "You don't have to take my word for it." Check this glasses commercial out.

I'll Be Back

2006-01-12T00:30:00.000-05:00

stay calm. i'll be back soon.