That Bastard

Ok, so remember the big assed Kool Aid man/jug in those commercials that used to bust into all these random situations? Well here's a funny assed stand up routine about it. It's by Dane Cook. Hilarious guy. Here it is:

There was a commercial on TV That used to terrify me when I was a kid. It was those Kool-aid commercials. Giant, talking, bowl of fruit punch comes crashing trough your wall unannounced, right? No warning. Just starts screamin’. “Oh yeah! Oh yeah!” Right? And he would dance and he would break your coffee table he’d punch your armour.

“Oh yeah!”

And that really terrified me. But the kids in the commercial were all excited. They were excited. And happy.

If a 400 pound jug of juice came bashing into your house screamin’ “Oh yeah!” Dancing. With tights on. I don’t know why juice is wearing tights. His juice box was hanging out. I don’t- I don’t need to see that, Kool.

And these kids would drink out of him. After he just busted through a wall and debris fell in his open, idiot head. Asbestos, lead paint fell inside his head. He would pour his fruity blood into glasses. “Oh yeah!” And they would drink his fruity, dirty blood out of his open head, And be like. “Thanks Kool.” hehehehe

No! If that was me I would be like, “No no no, I don’t wanna drink from you. I want you to fix this God damned wall…..Before my dad gets home from work. He’s not gonna believe a dancing bowl of fruit punch came in here. He's going to beat me with a toaster. This is bullshit.

Hey! Don’t Touch me, Kool! Please. I’ll kick you in the legs. You’re very top heavy. And you will smash. You fix this wall. And if you get thirsty, you sip your self, you glass son of a bitch.”

“Oh yeah!”

"Oh no! That's your problem. Your slogan should be 'Oh no, what have I done to this beautiful home?' "

And for some more funny shit on the Kool Aid Man, check this out.

More Guys v. Girls Humor

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

20-something ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Curvy .........................Fat
Voluptuous ................ Unbelievably Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

(This was all taken from a porn site: www.thehun.com . . . not that I look at porn. I have plenty of time, money, and charm to pursue real relationships. Besides, I would never look at such trash. Such gorgeous, busty trash. Never.)

USC Law's Finest

Scene: Couple of days ago, lunch, several 1Ls sitting at a table at Immaculate Consumption in the basement room, with the floorboards creaking above us.

Sketchy 1L: You know law school is going to be like algebra. We'll never use any of this stuff when we get out. Some old skeezeball is going to tell us how it's done, and that will be that. I bet we don't even use Westlaw. I didn't even activate my account. The Lexis one, neither.
Random 1L: Now there's a decision.

Several minutes later...

Random 1L: Man, this place is creaky. How old do you think the building is?
Sketchy 1L: Well, I don't know, but in college I lived in a house that was built around 1800. That place was creaky as hell. And drafty too. And the basement was just like this, only colder. But I rented it out to three guys, you know, made them share the one room. We hazed the shit out of them.
Me: It was a fraternity?
Sketchy 1L: No, we just hazed them. We crammed about 10 of us into the house, and I handled all the bills, so I paid about $90 a month for rent, and no utilities.
Random 1L: So you were a slumlord?
Sketchy 1L: Sort of. I told my parents that rent wass $500 a month, though, and I pocketed about $410 each month. That was back in my "cocaine phase".
Me: So you lived in a crack house basically?
Sketchy 1L: Lived in a crack house? I built a damn crack house.

5 min. later

Sketchy 1L: Man, can you imagine college without ecstasy and hookers?
Slightly Less Sketchy 1L: Yea, I'd be able to think right now, and I wouldn't be so itchy.

5 min. later after that

Random 1L: Yea, that class is pretty boring. I usually just play online poker during it.
Sketchy 1L: You play for money?
Random 1L: Not really. I'm not very good. I need to stick to games like "War".
Sketchy 1L: Shit, I lost $1,200 playin War at NY NY in Vegas last summer. I thought I could dig myself out of the hole cuz I had $600 left, but there was this fine ass hooker I was eyeing who wanted $400 dollars. I put the $600 into the game, though, and still lost it all. Should have gone with the hooker.

And a couple of more minutes later.

Sketchy 1L: Well, when this guy stopped smoking weed, he got real weird, to the point that he weirded me out, which is pretty damn amazing because I'm a pretty weird guy myself.

And finally..

Sketchy 1L: Well, I'm a good Christian and all . . . I just do a whole lot of sinning along the way.

Hey, Sal! Fuuuuuuuckin', let's go get a pie, kid!

Oh man. There is a dark place in my heart where a truly special hatred lies. It is reserved for only the most detestable of the detestable. For a while, I had forgotten that I too partake in regional elitism. Yes, that's right. I'm talking about the greasy, no education having, Jersey shore loving, Revere Beach residing, no-R-saying, wannabe mafiosos: townie trash. There aren't too many around these parts (actually, none as far as I've seen), and I had almost pushed them out of my mind, but then I saw this, and all the hatred came flooding back.

Aw Crap

Scene: Random club, 2am Saturday, sitting at a table next to the dancefloor.

Me: You feeling alright?
Girl: I don't mean to be a bitch, but stop asking if I'm alright. I don't feel like dancing.
Me: Fine! I didn't want to dance anyways. And you know what? You are a bitch. You act like a bitch every time I see you. I'm sick of all your bullshit.


Lesson of the Day: don't go out when you're tired and have a cold just because your boy asked you to be his wingman so he could get with a girl, otherwise you might tell someone what you really think about her in no uncertain terms.

Sorry for the Delay

Ok, so my eyesight is not the best on the planet. I wear the sniper scopes on a daily basis. In fact, I wear my glasses so much that I have to pretend that they're cool by calling them "sniper scopes". Glasses aren't completely dorky though. But as Levar Burton always said, "You don't have to take my word for it." Check this glasses commercial out.

I'll Be Back

stay calm. i'll be back soon.